Ein Brief

One week, only seven days from now on till my age is changing and even no one notice if it’s someones birthday, I wanna change something with purpose on that upcoming shitty day. I’m going to go to the river. Why? I’ll put letters (which I’ve wrote if I die) into a tiny glass, to throw them away from my current life, from my present and to forget everything bad about the past, just to be able to move forward. I’m always busy because I’ve kinda leadership personality. That could be bad, but I wanna use it otherwise and create joy for my surroundings. I’ve goals in life which I can’t see in yours and this isn’t my responsibility. It’s not my obligation to be on your side even we felt each other deeply and maybe it was kinda different in comparison to other relationships. But it’s a fact that I can’t ignore the pain you gave, the fear and besides that: you don’t know me even if you think you do. I’m not puny, I’m confident and weak at the same time. I’m empathetic and not a 90’s bitch. Not a dread queen, not a mama and I was never, never, never YOURS. You’ve let me think I couldn’t live without you. But your little game is over now. There are people who would never force me to do something or be angry at me if I didn’t reply fast. There are people who show respect and tolerance. I hope you’re going to learn that in your little world some day too. 

I’m young, yes. But I’ve learned that only affection and attraction don’t mean to love someone. You never loved me and I’m for sure never loved you. When we’ve met each other, I wanted to hold your hand, to share, to care about you and I was afraid of letting you alone. Every time when we saw us, I truly lived out my complexes. But I try to be myself now, without you because you hurt me. And no excuses could ever heal the wounds or helps me to become healthy again. It’s not you, it was never you who could support me. In my little world I’ve met gorgeous people who listen to me, give me feedback, let me be an human being and not a toy. I’m with someone who clearly accept me and that person would never ever laugh me out, manipulate and try to control me. 

My dear, let me say something else to you. You’ll stay as you are, numb and lonely, if you’re not able to open your heart and if you stay like that wild animal which just wanna hunt, bite and leave if the prey stopped moving. Yes, yes, I’m just that dumb little girl, but at least I’m touching my own borders and fears with fingertips. And damn, you’re right, I’m young and that’s a pretty good reason to say ‚goodbye‘ to you. If we’re honest we always knew that this happens but the path to this end were a nightmare. How often did you yell, how often did you insult me severely. When, my dear, when are you going to reach the point where you say ‚goodbye‘ to all of your lies? Nevertheless I hope life give us the chance to forget each other and everything what happened. 

*Sorry, Englisch ist nicht meine Muttersprache

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